Underlying Fears

I’m not one to ask for help. I hate admitting failure, and I most definitely hate the idea of crying about my problems to anyone. In my first three or so months at college, there has been nothing I have wanted to do more than all of the above. There’s a song lyric by Taylor Swift that practically sums up my social experience (or lack there-of) at college so far. It goes, “Now I’m standing alone in a crowded room and we’re not speaking.” Now, I realize that just like every other Taylor Swift song, she is singing about her heartbreaking experience with a guy. However, this line applies to me in the sense that, even though I’m constantly surrounded by hundreds and thousands of people on campus, I’ve never felt more alone. I couldn’t tell you many things worse than feeling alone in a crowded room. Everywhere I go, people are traveling in groups of five or six to their next class, or to study for the big midterm coming up, or whatever. Then, I look at myself and I find myself feeling a little bummed. I feel as though I have met no one here. Now I know this is not technically true. I have met some fantastic individuals, but the handful that I have met cannot even compare to all the groups of people I see all the time. They all share this unique bond that I feel like I can only say I have with my roommate, Hannah, as well as a good friend of mine from high school, Bri. All my friends back home send me snapchats and stories via text message of all these amazing things they’re doing at school with all these different people, and then there’s me. In the beginning of the school year, these kind of things put me in the biggest funk ever. Almost to the point where I could not focus on any of my schoolwork. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball on my futon and fall asleep to some cheesy movie on ABC Family. As time went on, I grew to accept the fact that I’m not making my situation any better by just sitting back and crying about it. While I have tried to get out more and be more social, I still haven’t noticed any dramatic improvements. Honestly, I’ve just learned to accept it. I think what’s also helping me are those handful of times when a friend from high school does text me saying that their social life isn’t as glamorous as their snapchats and texts make it seem. Deep down, I give myself a high five when this happens, but my heart truly does feel for them, because I’m going through the exact same thing.

Hollywood ruined my expectations of college. I know they practically ruin everything to, but they really killed it on this one to me. They never talk about the academic aspect of it. The only times they do is when they have the ‘fun’ friends who like to go out and party all the time, convince the ‘nerdy’ friend who actually studies to go out with them. Don’t get me wrong, going out has been such a stress reliever for me. I’m not talking about the whole, get sh*t face wasted and black out and not remember anything. No. I mean, go to a party with a group of friends, relax, dance like no one is watching (let’s face it, everyone around is too drunk to remember you or your dance moves in the morning), and just enjoy a good time with good company. At the end of the day, you need to prioritize and I feel like there needs to be a movie about that. Obviously, Hollywood does’t do this because that would be one boring movie. But, college is practically the beginning of the rest of your life. It opens up doors and introduces you to people who can potentially help you tremendously in your future. Not to mention, you’re spending thousands of dollars for your education, why not make the most of it? You shouldn’t settle for a ‘C’ in a class (barely passing) when you can easily boost that to a B with just a little more hard work and motivation. I understand that there are those few people who can pull off the whole, ‘I only need to study for a few hours the night before and still get an A’, but there’s more people that cannot do this than those who can, myself included. This is one lesson I have learned the hard way, but nonetheless I have learned it.

Overall, college has been quite the eye-opener. In only the three months that I have been here, I have learned so much more than I could have ever imagined. I think I’ll make a seperate blog about those things next. Maybe I’ll make two. Who knows?

Stay golden my friends,



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